Kelly Boyker

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Curiouser & Curiouser:​ What’s the master plan to get Craig Wallwork to come to the U.S. and have lunch with us? So far he seems mainly scared. Is there a way to do this without causing him a psychological breakdown?

Kelly: ​First we set up a crowd funding sight to raise funds to bring Craig to the states. Of course, we do this without Craig’s knowledge. Once we have met our funding goal, oh say $10,000.00, we hire a minor celebrity. The minor celebrity along with a bevy of excited strangers and a camera crew will go to Craig’s house and ring his doorbell. Craig will answer the door and the extras will all cheer en masse and the minor celebrity will excitedly inform Craig that he has won a special sweepstakes and hand him a giant cardboard check for an all expense paid vacation to the USA. Of course, there will also be confetti and people tooting kazoos plus the camera crew recording everything. The camera crew is key because those that donated to the fund will have the reward of getting to see the moment when Craig’s face lights up with delight.

There will be no need for Craig to pack because we will have bought him an entire new wardrobe for his trip. We will have to pre-arrange all of this with his wife, of course, and also get his clothing and shoe size from her. Come to think of it, we will also have to pre-arrange with his employer. Next thing Craig knows he traveling to the airport in high style in a white stretch limousine, sipping champagne and joyfully sniffing the dozen red-roses strewn artfully about the limo. He will ask about his destination but that shall be shrouded in mystery and terribly hush-hush.

He will be driven to the nearest airport, placed on a private jet and flown directly to the Port Columbus International Airport- Columbus, OH. I will have arrived at your house in Jackson ahead of time and assisted in the lunchtime preparations. Lunch will have an ancient Roman/George RR Martin theme because, why not? The menu will consist of Columella Salad (which has mint, coriander, parsley, leaks and cheese), Soft Boiled Eggs in Pine Nut Sauce, Lentils with Coriander, Roast Wild Boar with honey drippings, Ostrich Ragout with candied dates, mint and honey, Roast Tuna with anchovy paste, shallots and mint, Fried Veal Escalope with Raisins, and for dessert, a Nut Tart made with pistachios, pine nuts almonds, honey and goat’s milk. Of course, we shall have tea and absinthe. The table will be fancy and set outside under some shade trees (I am hoping that you have shade trees on your farm). At any rate, Craig shall be driven to your house in a black stretch Hummer and we will greet him with wide smiles and all of his fears and psychosis will subside and he will have an enjoyable picnic with us with rich conversation and laughter. After that, it’s anybody’s guess.

C&C:​ That sounds perfect! And totally plausible! We should hang a sheet on the clothesline and project movies onto it in the evening. Do you have any Special Favorite Horror films?

K: ​Horror is my favorite movie genre. Most beloved directors and movies include Dario Argento (Suspiria and Phenomena — staring a very young Jennifer Connelly), George R. Romero (all the Living Dead series), Kiyoshi Kurosawa (Pulse and The Cure), Toby Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) everything by Guillermo Del Toro, everything by David Cronenberg, Jen and Sylvia Soska (American Mary), Jennifer Chambers Lynch (Boxing Helena), Robert Rodriguez (Planet Terror) and Tomas Alfredson (Let the Right One In). We’d need to pow-wow about what movies to play on the sheet because I know we’re all horror fans. I am always looking for tips to horror movies I have not seen.

C&C:​ Tell me about your babies!

​K: I previously had a Rhodesian Ridgeback named Tiki whom I loved to no end. She had a heart attack before her time, was rushed to the vet and died. I will never forget her silky ears, steadfast demeanor and outright love. After she died, I did not think I would have another dog for a very long time. But it turned out that my husband (Gio) and I were super lucky to buy a wonderful house with a huge yard (for Seattle) that is bordered on three sides by a vast green belt. Thus, it made sense to get a dog. We researched breeds extensively; I knew I could not handle another hound dog so soon, so we decided on a Belgian Shepherd. I need to add at this point that we have four rescue cats, two that are now elderly with special medical needs. So, rather than adopt a rescue dog, we wanted to find a breed that could grow up with our cats, respect them, and provide protection so a Belgian Shepherd seemed perfect. We first found Sagan (after Carl Sagan) who is a Belgian Tervuren and also a total butt-head. We were so taken with Belgian Shepherds that my husband Gio drove all the way to Minnesota to get Sabine, also a Belgian Shepherd, but she is a Groenendael (all black). They are both super sweet, although Sagan is now able to leap up and catch birds mid-flight, which is a bit distressing. Belgian Shepherds are all about their teeth, so they are constantly bearing them in play also in big dog smiles.

C&C:​ What are your plans for Halloween?

K: ​Nothing fancy party-wise or anything. However, we are competitive candy-hander-outers. We give out full-sized candy, meaning our house is very popular in our neighborhood. We might do dry ice this year for an extra spooky effect. It’s a great way to meet your neighbors and see all the cute costumes.

C&C: ​Did you trick-or-treat as a kid? What was your favorite childhood Halloween costume?

K: ​Yes, I trick-or-treated and then would try to make my candy last for months, which of course, resulted in stale candy. Favorite costumes as a kid that I remember are going as the Raven from Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven, going as Wednesday from The Addams Family and just going as a generic bloody dead little girl. I really cannot remember a time in my life when I was not attracted to the morbid. I was fascinated by the idea of death. My favorite costume as an adult was going as Samara, the girl from the well in The Ring.

C&C:​ Do you have any tattoos?

K: ​I have a half sleeve tattoo of an adaptation of a Margaret Keane big-eyed girl. She is wearing a Tutu, holding a flower and surrounded by bizarre other worldly flowers. This tattoo goes all around my upper arm and shoulder including into my armpits, which hurt so much! I initially went to the tattoo artist with a few ideas for tattoos and he was like “what, are you going to get a bunch of sticker tattoos?” He basically made the sticker tattoo people seem like wimps and not wanting to be a wimp, I went for the half sleeve. Fun fact: I once had a lady in a grocery store ask me if the tattoo was of my daughter, I said yes and told her my daughter died tragically by drinking lye. The lady was horrified and I am certain Edward Gorey chuckled a bit in his urn.

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C&C: Who was your first hardcore crush?

​K: In eighth grade, a new guy came to our very small private school and all the girls wanted him, including me. He was my boyfriend, briefly, though we never even went to second base. He “dumped” me for my best friend because she had boobs (which he explicitly informed me). Before the dumping, I wrote him a three-page love poem which I dropped in our neighborhood mailbox and then immediately regretted it. I waited at the mailbox and begged the mailman to give me my letter back. He told me that would be a federal crime and would not give me my letter. Thus, the poem was mailed and I was mortified. Said crush told everyone at school and I nearly died of embarrassment. Fairly recently, that poem managed to reach through the years and freshly re-horrify me. A couple of years ago we were searching for said first hardcore crush for a school reunion and I managed to locate his mother. When I called and said I was “Kelly Boyker”, she said, “oh my, you wrote that poem which we all read at the kitchen table one morning, it was very sweet”. Complete re-mortification.

​My ultimate boyfriend would be the hitman, Anton Chigurh, from No Country for Old Men played by the delicious Javier Bardem. The attraction is not based on his hotness; the attraction is based on his pure clinical lack of emotion in carrying out his kills. I don’t really know how the mechanics would work about actually having a cold-hearted hitman as your boyfriend, but a girl can dream.

C&C:​ I am much more horrified by your re-mortification than by your hitman crush. I hope this ex’s mother went on to tell you that he was dead, tragically killed in a domesticated bird attack, which was his greatest fear all through life. Are you afraid of any animals?

K:​I am not afraid of any animals but I have a ridiculous fear of spiders, even the shape of a spider. I have only one slightly interesting anecdotal story about a bats although I am not afraid of them. When I was a little girl I had super long, slightly curly hair and most of my friends were boys because that was who lived in our neighborhood. I was swinging on a rope swing attached to a giant chestnut tree when a roosting bat fell down into my hair and became tangled. The boys I was with dragged me down to the street, put my head over the curb and proceeded to whack the bat with a baseball bat while it was entangled in my hair. Needless to say I had pieces of mangled bat and bat blood caught in my hair and it was very difficult to pick the pieces out. I was never scared but felt sad about the bat and furious with my boy pals.

C&C:​ What do you have in your pockets?

K: ​Because I am in the habit of wearing super skinny jeans, I rarely have anything in my pockets. Coat pockets usually contain chap stick and one mitten (I am a chronic mitten loser) and tons of those single serving salt and pepper packages, because you never know when you are going to need salt and pepper.

C&C:​ Since this is our Halloween interview, let’s keep this morbid. Is there such thing as a romantic death, and what death would you choose, if you believe so? Say, Ophelia, or Juliet (blah), or splat off a building, or have yourself baked into a pie for your unknowing loved ones….

K: ​When I was a kid, I was highly influenced by Robert Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land, so of course wanted to have my body reduced to a broth that all my friends could sip while sitting at the same table and “Grok my essence”. I still believe there is something powerful in ritualistic cannibalism. I once ate a small piece of Tyrannosaurus Rex when was I was in archeological field school. I have always thought it would be wonderful to eat a small part of an asteroid also. I like your idea of being baked in a pie, but I’d want the diners to know that they are dining on me. As far as death goes, I think it would be very interesting to die via guillotine. Especially those few precious moments when your head is severed from your body, but you still have just enough oxygen in your brain to be conscious. Those last moments would be spectacular. While I do believe that scientifically there may be other dimensions, I do not believe that there is a god or that we have a life after death. I figure getting to be alive just once is heaven or hell enough, no afterlife is necessary.

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Zoonosis: http://hyacinthgirlpress.com/yearthree/zoonosis.html

Menacing Hedge

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